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Thursday, September 16th, 2004

Subject:16th September, 1979
Time:12:00 pm.
DOOM IN KENMORE!
The Grim Spotted by Many Observers!  Seers Say This Is A Bad Sign!

The Grim, a massive black dog well-known as an omen of oncoming doom, was spotted in Kenmore over this past weekend by no fewer than six wizards and witches.  According to consulted seers, this could mean certain destruction for this Scottish village, as well as those who have seen it.  As we cannot know how many muggles spotted it, it is impossible to tell how widespread the damage is sure to be. 

There has not been such a wide-scale spotting of this most horrific of bad omens since 1932 when ten wizards spotted the Grim in Epping Forest.  Shortly thereafter, they fell into an argument over whether it was truly the grim or was, in fact, a black bear.  The argument escalated into a duel, and then into a magical brawl, from which only one wizard escaped alive.  It is believed that, were the wizards in question in a more populated area at the time, their magical battle would have surely caused a great deal of destruction and brought ruin upon any others in the immediate area.  It is fortunate that they were in a fairly isolated area.

Speculation runs wild about what could create such a disaster, but noted seer Jeremiah Smith suggests death may come in the form of a rebellion from the sea monster said to reside in the nearby Loch Tay.  "Perhaps the monster will rise!" exclaims Smith, "I am certain it feels overshadowed by other, more renown monsters.  Perhaps its time for vengeance is at hand!" Other theories include rampant flooding, and too many people using the Dark Lord's name at one time.  We cannot know in what form this guaranteed calamity will come, but it is sure to be horrific! 

Saturday, April 10th, 2004

Subject:April 10th, 1979
Time:1:41 pm.
SAYING THE DARK LORD'S NAME IS BAD LUCK!
Woman says "Voldemort," dies. Man says "Voldemort," summons him!

The Quibbler has reason to suspect that saying the Dark Lord's name will cause bad luck and possibly death. Last week, pureblood Julius Marche was said to utter the name just before the dark mark appeared in the air. Moments later, the Dark Lord himself appeared, and though Julius was unharmed of course, he witnessed the dragging off of two muggleborns. "It's like saying the name just summoned him!" says Julius, "He wasn't here, and then I said his name, and he was here."

This brilliant observation can be confirmed by the story of Miss Cassandra Castaleef, who died last week after speaking the Dark Lord's name. It is unclear as to exactly how she died, but one might suspect that her speaking the name summoned him, and he immediately killed her, as she was halfblood. Her sister, Circe, was present for the speaking of the name. "We were simply discussing the war," she said, "And then she said the name. Shortly thereafter I had to return home, and the next morning she was dead."

Numerous other stories of this sort abound. A month ago, Dianna deLune reportedly spoke the Dark Lord's name just before Death Eaters were spotted near Little Hangleton. And it is said that Tiberius Tuckery spoke the Dark Lord's name while sitting in the crowd at Wembley just before the attack there some weeks ago.

We here at the Quibbler must recommend, for the moment and for the foreseeable future, that speaking the Dark Lord's name be avoided!

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

Subject:Februaryt 10th 1979
Time:2:36 am.
MAGIC HAT EATS OFF OWNERS HEAD.
Man lives for twelve days without cranium; dies from sore throat

Sebastian Gludge, a pig-farmer near Hogsmeade, died last night after a twelve day long struggle to survive despite the absence of his head!

His grieving sister, Tae, blames her brother's untimely death on the magic hat given to him by his mother-in-law this past Christmas. "She never did like Bastion," said Miss Gludge. "She thought he was rude, but he wasn't! He was just very, very outspoken." According to Tae, Ogda Waters, mother of Cessiana Gludge (Sebastian's widow) thought the pig-farmer beneath them, and accused him of antagonizing her. "But Bastian never did. He was a gentle man. He always tried to make peace with her, but she wouldn't listen.

The feud escalated over the next few months, until shortly before Christmas itself, when suddenly Ogda arrived claiming she wanted to end the feud with Gludge.

"She came calling with food and gifts, and we all had a fabulous time. We thought all the pain might be behind us at last."

Little did they know how wrong they were.

For Christmas, Sebastian received what appeared to be a standard wizard's hat from Ogda. He loved it, but didn't wear it for well over a month. "He thought going round in a wizard's hat was a bit naff, especially here." Then, on the eve of Ogda's birthday party, Sebastian put on the hat to coordinate it with his outfit.

"He got a headache soon after, and then fell ill," says Tae Gludge, "At first we thought he'd only taken ill, but soon he went cold and shivered. We wrapped him in blankets, gave him hot tea and medicine, and went to bed. We thought we'd bring him to St. Mungo's if it got worse."

But they had no way to know just how bad "worse" could be.

Come morning, Sebastian's head had completely vanished inside the hat. Bizarrely, Sebastian himself remained alive, leading to speculation that he was controlled by the hat, or perhaps the hat was another portal to Dimension 72-b, and while here his body wanders aimlessly without a head, there his head lies on the ground shouting to people that they must find his body. It was advised that the hat remain in place til it could be determined what the problem was. For twelve days there were no answers, and finally, on the 12th, Sebastian quietly died.

"We were devastated," Tae adds, "Really devastated. We thought maybe his head was simply... stuck."

Post mortem investigation revealed that his head had long since vanished entirely, though how or to where no one knows. It is a mystery, a well, why he did not die. Ultimately, the cause of death came from an infection of bacterial into his throat and surrounding tissues. At present, Ministry officials are looking into the magical properties of this unique hat.

"It isn't fair," says Tae Gludge, holding back sobs. "Ogda knew what she was doing; she knew he'd die. Someone needs to send her off to Azkaban! As soon as possible."

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